Path: Laica Q2
“If the path be beautiful let’s not ask where it leads.”
Whenever I bring groups together in a place, I hope we will end up entirely elsewhere.
Convening the group of young men, I became aware that their path was proving to be less than beautiful.
As each spoke, I heard of punishing schedules, lives that were far from any semblance of balance, stories of endurance and fading energy as they struggled with the competing demands of work, studies, qualifications, new languages, family life, well-being and health. The similarities were remarkable; not so much professionals pursuing parallel tracks, rather they were stepping into each other’s footprints as they walked.
In a period when I have been holding my own ‘be strong’ and 'try hard’ drivers up for scrutiny, I’m aware that I can easily move away from opportunities for fun and joy as I pursue a particular version of being in the world. There is always more to do and tough folk don’t step away from challenge.
Which means that life slowly closes in on us. We become known for getting things done, we reliably deliver, we’re valuable corporate citizens, good soldiers, and as colleagues notice our capacity for extended effort, they offer us ever more opportunities to excel.
This path is familiar to all who have walked it; the beauty fades as the toil and pain begins to preoccupy us.
But not to worry: we’ll be there soon.
One of the group offered a personal framing of the issues he faced as others gazed on intently and nodded in witness of his words. I attempted to role model good, exploratory, open questions, but noticed how stuck we became among extensive, well meaning and worthy commitments. They were intent on climbing their career ladder, a decent, proper ambition - though one which I set aside some time ago as I began to understand my ladder was leaning against against the wrong wall.
In these moments, it’s tempting to respond to heartfelt requests for advice and proffer solutions that sound like ‘if only’ we could unlock the situation, or perhaps we can strive to find a ‘utopian’, idealised version of reality. I managed to hold back and the group wrestled with the possibility of being more organised, clarifying priorities, trying harder… before pausing… and feeling into the potential of their frustration and suffering.
Which started to take us elsewhere.
The language of effectiveness and efficiency fell away as the prospect of acknowledging and working with the stuckness emerged. Rather than working around the difficulties each of us face, we might pause and explore, finding potential as we walk together through the trials and pitfalls of the journey.
We’re not there yet.
But, together, we’ll end up somewhere…
Notes:
Ian Stewart and Vann Joines’ ‘TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis’ is a accessible way to begin an exploration into drivers, the ‘scripts’ and strategies we habitually and often unconsciously deploy, and the ‘games’ we play in our relationships with each other.
Stretching a little further, TA sprang to fame in the 60s and 70s, developed by Eric Berne in books like ‘Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships.’ It’s a classic work and is still relevant today.
Finally, you might enjoy another ‘classic’ of it’s time: ‘Change: Principles of Problem Formation and Resolution’ (Watzlawick et al) which takes a fascinating look at the ‘psychologies’ at play in the kind of ‘second order’ change that helps us work through ‘stuckness’ rather than becoming disabled by it.
